Donald Trump Will Never Win the Tour de France (But He’ll Probably Say He Did)

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Donald Trump crossing the finish line of the Tour de France

Let’s Get One Thing Straight
Donald Trump will never win the Tour de France. He’s not going to show up in lycra, clip into pedals, and climb the Col du Tourmalet under the blistering July sun. That’s not a political opinion — it’s just physics, logistics, and… reality.

But if he did ride?

He’d probably tell us he won. By a lot. Maybe even say it was the greatest Tour de France ever. Ask anyone. Everyone's talking about it.

The Ego Gear: Always in High
Imagine Trump in the peloton:

  • He skips the prologue but claims the yellow jersey anyway.

  • He drafts behind team cars and calls it “efficient leadership.”

  • He claims the race was rigged when he doesn't make the time cut on Stage 2.

And somehow, a podium appears just for him at the finish — red carpet, gold-framed sunglasses, and a speech claiming he rode faster than anyone in Tour history (despite not finishing a stage).

But Let’s Be Honest — It’s Not Just Him
As much as this pokes fun at Trump, there’s something universally funny about people who inflate their own accomplishments — especially in cycling. We’ve all seen it:

  • The guy who swears his e-bike times were “all muscle.”

  • The weekend warrior who “could have gone pro” if not for “a knee thing.”

  • The rider who gets dropped halfway up a climb but claims Strava was broken.

Cycling, like politics, has its share of spin. Sometimes we all wear our own imaginary yellow jersey.

Why It Still Matters
In an age where ego often beats effort, it’s refreshing to remember that cycling keeps you honest. The wind doesn’t care who you are. The hill doesn’t care what you say. Your legs tell the truth — mile after mile.

And that’s why, even in jest, the Tour de France is something special. It’s earned. It's hard. It humbles even the best. There’s no shortcut to the Champs-Élysées.

Final Thought
So no — Donald Trump will never win the Tour de France. But that doesn’t mean he won’t take a victory lap anyway.

As for the rest of us? We’ll keep pedaling, earning every mile the honest way. And maybe — just maybe — we’ll laugh a little more along the way.

Location: Lubbock, TX, USA

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